Frequently Asked Questions

Betrayal trauma is the result for the betrayed partner of being exposed to betrayal by an intimate partner over many years, and sometimes over decades. It is a complex trauma, because it is not one single impactful event but the continuation of constant small traumatic situations with no escape route, caused by the unknown reality of the betrayal.

Betrayal trauma is real and you are not overreacting. Your nervous system is in a state of pure survival, and the symptoms you are experiencing are all part of the trauma you are carrying. You are not crazy. You are in trauma. Anyone who tells you otherwise does not understand trauma.

The biggest difference is the origin of the trauma. PTSD is generally the result of a single life threatening event that leaves the nervous system on alert. Betrayal trauma is the result of an ongoing covert operation. Your nervous system recognizes that something is off, but you cannot pinpoint what it is, so your brain stays in that state of alert. Over time, that produces the trauma. The symptoms of betrayal trauma and PTSD are very similar.

It does a great deal to your brain. The deep feeling of safety and trust in your relationship is gone because of the betrayal. The person who represented safety has become, overnight, a threat. You feel completely alone in the world, and that is one of the most frightening feelings we can have. With all of the uncertainty of the betrayal, your brain stays in a constant survival state and operates from there.

The hard truth is that there will always be some uncertainty left within you. Betrayal hits the core elements of an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships are built primarily on trust and safety, and betrayal strikes both. The good news is that if your partner genuinely invests in the healing of the relationship, the two of you can build a new relationship with honesty, vulnerability, and trust as its foundation. That brings both of you a very different experience of relationship.

The trauma comes from the reality of having no escape route. The betrayed partner knows intuitively that something is off, and when she talks with her partner about it, her reality is manipulated. She does not know what to do with that, or whether to trust her own instincts or the partner who loves her. If it happens once, you can set it aside internally. If it happens repeatedly, your brain does not know what to do with it and slowly moves into hypervigilance and survival mode, because the relationship no longer feels safe on a deep level.

Sex addiction is a learned behavior with the goal of soothing the nervous system so a person does not feel their pain and childhood trauma. It becomes a problem when the sexual behavior is not part of the conversation within the intimate relationship, because at that point there is automatically betrayal. The honesty and the integrity, and with that the safety of the relationship, are corrupted.

Not formally. It does not appear in the DSM-5 or the ICD-11, the two manuals used internationally to classify conditions. The World Health Organization does recognize compulsive sexual behavior disorder in the ICD-11, classifying it as an impulse control disorder, though it has no individual code. Within the field of professionals working in sex addiction, it is a well recognized condition.

In general it is not one single situation or moment. It is the sum of small repeated events during childhood and growing up. Every time we were hurt, or not seen, or not valued, we put those feelings in a box and stored it under the bed. Over time the box grows, so we move it to the closet, and eventually we store it in the secret sexual basement. Along the way we discover that certain behaviors are calming for the nervous system, and when we engage in them we stop feeling the pain.

Sex addiction is defined by four things: a lack of control and compulsivity around sexual behavior, the continuation of that behavior despite negative consequences, a frequent or constant preoccupation with sexual behavior, and a behavior that creates a mood altering dependency. If you look honestly at those four aspects, you can decide for yourself whether they describe you.

The most effective treatment is a cognitive behavioral approach. I compare it to looking at an incident in slow motion under a microscope, because you are observing the situation, your behavior, and the cognitive and emotional processing connected to that behavior. That is how you build awareness of yourself and of your responses.

The two part problem is central to Dr. Minwalla’s model. Alongside the compulsive entitled sexual acting out, there is the integrity abuse behavior used to cover up the secret sexual basement. Most treatment focuses only on the sexual part and forgets the integrity abuse. But it is the integrity piece that keeps the betrayed partner stuck in the trauma, because the integrity abuse behavior reminds her of the betrayal. Even when the acting out has stopped, if the integrity abuse behavior is not treated, the relationship will not heal.

The full therapeutic disclosure is the process in which the betrayer gives his partner the full extent of his acting out. I compare it to opening the door to the secret sexual basement and walking down the stairs together. You turn on the lights and you give your partner full access to everything that happened down there: places, times, people, actions, and money spent.

You prepare by writing the timeline of your acting out: when, where, with whom, and what happened. I extend that timeline into the internal processes as well, such as what you did to hide the acting out from your partner, along with other deeper questions. It is a longer process, and the length depends on the amount of acting out and the time frame it covers. Expect roughly three to six months of preparation for an honest disclosure.

You prepare with an individual professional trained in the disclosure process. That professional walks you through the emotional reality you will face and helps you prepare for the moment your partner delivers the disclosure. Some of that preparation is somatic, and some of it is preparing to hear worst case scenarios.

The 22 rooms are a metaphor created by Dr. Minwalla to explain and work through the different layers of betrayal trauma. They are organized into four areas: the trauma types caused during the covert phase, while the betrayal is still hidden; the trauma types during the exposure phase, when the betrayal is discovered and disclosed; the symptoms of trauma and how they present day to day; and the types of trauma during the symptom progression phase, when healing begins and the betrayer does not yet have the tools to change his behavior.

We talk about the secret sexual basement when you have any kind of sexual activity outside of your intimate relationship and your partner does not know about it. The basement is built through compulsive entitled sexual behavior, and it is kept hidden from the partner through integrity abuse behaviors: lying, withholding information, gaslighting, and manipulating reality.

Marriage counseling is an essential part of the healing process after infidelity. Once both partners have done some individual work and the betrayer has delivered the disclosure, you can begin to integrate the couples work. By then the betrayer has had time to work on himself and has some tools to show up in couples work, hold space for his partner, and face the trauma he has caused.

Yes, a marriage can survive infidelity, if the betrayer is willing to do the personal work to understand why he acted out and betrayed his partner and the relationship, and if he is willing to learn to show up differently, bringing honesty, vulnerability, and integrity to the table. That is how safety and trust are rebuilt within the relationship.

After discovery you need to start with individual therapy, so that both partners can process the deep impact of the betrayal. The betrayer has to work through his own story, understand himself better, and learn the tools to show up differently in the relationship. Once the disclosure has been delivered, the couple can begin couples therapy. At that point both partners share the same information about the reality, and that becomes the basis for building a new relationship.

Yes. I work with all three positions: the betrayer, the betrayed partner, and the betrayed relationship. They are interconnected, so when I work with one I have the other two in mind, and every intervention is oriented toward healing the whole system. Often I start with one partner individually and the other joins later, at which point we move into couples work.

It depends a great deal on where the couple is in that moment. If they are still in crisis, I work directly with that and intervene there, to build understanding of what is happening and to give the betrayer tools to show up differently in moments of crisis or activation. If the couple is in a more stable place internally, I start to look into their story, understand the dynamic between them more clearly, and work from there toward healthier communication and a safer relationship.

You rebuild trust after infidelity with consistency and with actions. Words are not especially helpful, because words have been used to manipulate the betrayed partner’s reality. What she is looking for is consistency in the betrayer’s actions. It is important that he learns to show up in a way that helps his partner feel safe.

That depends on how much trauma has been caused and on whether the betrayer is genuinely willing to do the work of healing and repair. Under normal circumstances, my experience is that the recovery work takes two to three years, and from there the couple can begin to move on more independently, with sessions becoming less frequent.

First of all, that is information. If the betrayer is not willing to come to therapy, my view is that he is probably not ready to own his responsibility and the truth behind his actions. He cannot yet face the reality of the damage he has caused, and he does not yet understand what integrity means. If the betrayed partner does not want to come to therapy, she is most likely deeply traumatized and in a great deal of pain, and no space where he is present feels safe to her. I would give her time and work with the betrayer, giving him the tools to show up as a safe person.

The better question is what your partner does when you are triggered. If you are triggered, you are triggered, and the only information in that is that your nervous system does not feel safe and has been reminded of the betrayal. He can show up in a way that is safe and help you move through the response faster, so that over time you feel safe with him again. Or he can show up in a way that is not helpful and triggers you further.

My experience is that when the betrayer genuinely does his work, learns to show up differently in the relationship, and builds safety for his partner, there is a real possibility that she can forgive what he has done.

I offer sessions in English, Spanish, and German. I was born in Germany, did my therapy training in the United States and Canada, and have lived in Argentina for the last fifteen years. I am fluent in all three languages, which also gives me a sensitivity to the cultural differences that come with them.

Sessions are normally online, as I see clients from all over the world. Workshops are held in person, and where it is possible I try to conduct disclosures in person as well.

The 30 minute consultation, or intake call, is about getting to know each other. Clients can ask any questions they have, and I get a first sense of their situation: what has happened, for how long, and what kind of support system they already have. It also gives both of us a chance to see whether we connect, and for the client to see whether they feel safe with me. The most important tool in therapy is the relationship we build. Without that, it does not much matter what tools I offer.

When I work with the betrayer, yes. It generally starts with assessments to understand his behavior better, followed by a daily personal check in and worksheets based on a cognitive behavioral approach. How much time each client invests in their healing process is up to them. If disclosure is part of our work, it requires considerably more engagement.

Sessions are private pay. A sliding fee is available.