Sex Addiction Therapy: Online Treatment for Compulsive Sexual Behavior
Sex Addiction is a real thing and impacts deeply the person acting out, the partner of that person and the relationship that they have together. The addiction to sex hits much deeper as it affects directly the intimacy of the couple. Other kind of addictions stay out of the bedroom, but with sex addiction you are right in the middle of the intimate space of the two people. And in today’s world with so easy access to pornographic material it is very easy to engage in those kinds of behaviors and slide into addiction without realizing it.
Sex Addiction is a learned behavior with the one goal to soothe the nervous system, to not feel the pain and childhood trauma. When I say childhood trauma I do not talk about this one impactful situation like an abuse, I am talking about the sum of small repeated events during childhood and growing up. So it is not the result of one single situation or moment, it is the result of the accumulation of little moments. It is build in a way that every time we have been hurt or not seen or not valued in our childhood we put those feelings in a box and store them under the bed. Over time this box growths and we need to put it in the closet and then we finally store it in the basement as it became bigger and did not fit any longer in the closet. And we wanted this big box out of our sight. Then we get into puberty and we find out that certain behaviors, namely self sex or masturbation, are really calming for our nervous system and it feels good when we engage in it. We start to engage in it more and more often. The result is that we do not feel that pain anymore. In the beginning it is a normal behavior but over time our brain connects it with the soothing part and it wants us to engage more and more in it. And without being aware of it we become an addicted to our sexual behavior. And over time we need more of it and stronger or more impactful stimuli.
From what I have seen so far, no sex addict is born as an addict. The circumstance of his growing up and how he learned to deal with painful and uncomfortable situations and emotions will be a more reasonable answer to the question of how one becomes a sex addict. It is a learned behavior to help us manage and sometimes survive certain situations or circumstances.
What Is Sex Addiction and How Does It Develop?
Sex addiction is defined as (1) a lack of control and compulsivity of sexual behavior, (2) the continuation of the engagement in those behaviors despite negative consequences, (3) a frequent or constant obsession or preoccupation over sexual behaviors, and (4) the behavior creates a mood altering dependency.
Behind those visible symptoms often are also a certain construction and believe system of what it means to be a man and how to deal with and behave in contexts. Which includes an entitlement. The later is often very difficult to acknowledge and identify in the beginning of the therapeutic process
Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction in Men
The compulsive sexual acting out is one big piece of the problem. The other big piece is the integrity abuse behavior. I know the use of the „a“-word is hard, but if you look at the specific behaviors it makes total sense. The integrity abuse behavior from my point of view is learned earlier in childhood. The kids has made the experience that with not always being truthful or honest his life is easier. So the tools of manipulation of the reality, lying, gaslighting, deceptiveness, false blaming and so on are learned and trained even before the sexuality really became part of his life. But the integrity abuse piece comes in handy to protect the secret sexual basement.
If in the therapeutic process only the compulsive sexual part is worked on the partner will not heal. Because the integrity abuse behavior continues and is a constant reminder for the betrayed partner of the betrayal. You have to face the integrity abuse behavior and change it. That is what most often is not seen and what Dr. Minwalla is pointing out very clearly and rightfully.
The Two Part Problem: Sexual Acting Out and Integrity Abuse
Another key piece for the outcome of the therapy and with that the healing process of the all three parts (the betrayer, the betrayed partner and the betrayed relationship) is understanding the deep impact of the acting out. That includes the deep understanding and acceptance that the actions of the betrayer have caused a massive rupture in the relationship but also a huge trauma within the partner. And that it is the job and responsibility of the betrayer to heal that deep wound.
A huge part of my work is helping the betrayer to understand that she is in a deep trauma and that certain things are really difficult for her at times. And on the other hand helping the betrayer to not only understand but than that to support his partner. A brain in a trauma mode operates very differently than a non trauma brain. And there things that the betrayer naturally does, that are actually very harmful for the partner. My work is based on understanding and teaching about trauma and what it does with the brain and what the betrayed partner needs to heal from that deep trauma.
How Sex Addiction Therapy Works in a Trauma Informed Model
Becoming and Staying Sober: Building a Personal Sobriety Plan
To rebuild trust and with that safety within the partner and the relationship sobriety is the starting point. The starting point in my work with the betrayer is the work towards sobriety. For me it has to do a lot with the awareness of what he is doing. If the betrayer has an awareness about his actions and the traumatic impact those have on his partner and his relationship he can start to change it.
In general it starts with an assessment for both parts, the acting out behavior and the integrity abuse behavior. And from there we start to create a plan to change those critical behaviors. The change requires a daily check in by himself and worksheets based on a cognitive behavioral approach. That way the betrayer learns to observe himself and his actions or behaviors and he will gain more and more awareness of what he is actually doing.
I give a lot of information about trauma and the brain and also about the attachment wounds that the betrayal has created. That way the betrayer learns why he needs to show up differently and what is actually helpful to heal the wounds within his partner and to repair the relationship.
The one big piece in the whole healing and change process is the betrayer. The betrayed partner with his trauma needs a lot of attention during the whole process. And even working with the betrayer I have the betrayed partner in mind and the tools I give are pointing always towards the fact of healing the wounds of the betrayed partner. Whether it is an understanding about trauma or how to show up with honesty or to learn to be empathetic or to learn to listen and prioritize the partner.
The same goes for the betrayed relationship, the healing work actually includes and will end when the relationship between the two is working and more important is safe. Again big part of the work with the betrayer is about understanding the deeper meaning of being in an intimate relationship. What it means and how to manage the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship.
All of that is on the side of the work with the betrayer. Next to that there is obviously the direct work with the betrayed partner and the couple. As my starting point in therapy was family therapy I always see the individual in its systemic context, namely in the connection with the partner and also within their relationship. And both parts are more than welcome in my private practice.
I like working with the betrayed partner or the couple as it is a very different rhythm and dynamic then working with the betrayer. The trauma of the betrayed partner and the deep rupture of the relationship is real and it is right in front of you. With the betrayer the main work in the beginning is stopping the bleeding and the hurting. And the trauma that I work through with the betrayer is the past trauma. It is important and at the same moment it feels very different then the reality of the here and now trauma of the betrayed partner.
You can get more information about how I work with the betrayer, the betrayed partner or the betrayed relationship here
Sex Addiction Treatment for Couples and the Betrayed Partner
