Marriage Counseling: Online Therapy for Couples
What often happens is that after some years of being with your partner is the feeling of disconnection slowly creeping into the intimate relationship. Both know that they have each other and that they are there for each other but the big feelings are no longer there. Misunderstandings and discussions or even fights over little things are the new normal. The wish for not having those moments is there but none of the two actually has an idea how to change the reality. If that is your relationship reality then you should continue reading and maybe reaching out to get some help. Because it is not the lack of love for each other that brings you into this place it is often the not having the right tools to make it safe for each other and within the relationship. And there are things that you can do to bring your relationship to a place that both of you long for and desire.
When your relationship feels like something is off between the two of you. The love is gone and you are together because you are used to each other and life is easier with each other. You have more fights and unsolved topics than good moments and fun together. You both feel like you don’t understand each other any longer. And the magic that was once there, is somehow gone and neither of you can really explain when it happened and what has happened.
The most common explanation for all of those observations is that your love has been faded away over time. I will disagree with that. I will say, you have lost the capacity to be curious about each other and you did not put in the work an intimate relationship needs on a daily basis. And you never learned what both of you need to feel safe with each other on a deep emotional and attachment system level.
All of the above mentioned observations are reasons why couples might seek marriage counseling. Does a couple need to do marriage counseling? It does not need to, but if you still like or deep down love your partner and you still want to grow old with that person next to you, I would recommend you to find help with a professional. A person that might give you some tools that you don’t have or sometimes even an idea or perspective on the things that are happening between the two of you. A person that is not part of your daily "dance", that is an outsider and can observe more objectively what is going on between the two of you.
What Is Marriage Counseling and When Does a Couple Need It?
The major reasons why couples are seeking marriage counseling are difficulties or even lack of communication, frequent fights and discussion, not finding agreements, intimacy problems, feeling of distance between each other, not understanding each other, fighting over the same thing over and over again, being really annoyed by your partner by certain things and so on. All of that are the reasons that you can observe on the behavioral level. What the couples do not see is what is happening underneath all of that. And that is where a professional can be very helpful. Because all of the behavior is just the expression of an underlying lack of not making the relationship safe for each other.
Common Reasons Couples Seek Marriage Counseling
We can think of different scenarios here. One is that both are in the same place and in front of the same device the other is that both partners are in different locations (rooms of the house or different houses/places) with their own device each. That is already information for me. In the beginning of the process there is the understanding of what is happening and what is the problem between the two partners. And once that is clearer I would go and work on specific aspects of the communication or the attachment or the building of safety. What I prefer to do is using actual and real situations that we look at them and disarm them, put them in slow motion and under the microscope to figure out what went off when for whom? And from there I give new information and we try to create a different response or understanding. And then the couple has the homework to put things into practice till the next session.
How Online Marriage Counseling Works in a Remote Practice
This is a completely different ball game. Here we are talking about trauma, about complete loss of trust and feeling of safety. We are also talking about dishonesty and not being truthful. And a very big piece here is also the fact that the intimacy is completely corrupted by the infidelity. If a couple comes with infidelity and betrayal into the practice, we are no longer talking about giving tools to have a better communication or to learn to listen differently. We are talking about deep, deep work for the betrayer and deep trauma work for the betrayed partner. And after all of that there is a lot of repair work needed and then there is the reconstruction - if possible - of the marriage or the relationship.
Marriage Counseling After Infidelity and Betrayal
What to Expect in Your First Marriage Counseling Session
The first marriage counseling session is all about getting to know each other - meaning me getting to know the couple - and understanding the difficulties they believe they have with each other in their marriage. If the couple is not coming in with a crisis or a big problem that they are presenting, I would ask for their history and create a genogram with them. A genogram is a graphical presentation of the members of the family and their relationship they have with each other. It helps me understand the connections of the family members and it is a very soft and safe start in the work together. And there are light follow up questions, for example what does the relationship of their parents look like, how would each of them describe their family of origin members to me, and if there have been any important moments - like moves, separations or important events - happened in their family. With that normally the first session is filled up.
If they come with a topic to work on, we will dive into that and I will try to understand what is the nature of it and what is really happening for them. Often relationship problems on the surface have a deeper, emotional or attachment component to it that needs to be addressed and worked on. That can end in me giving some information to the couple and then trying to figure out with them what it is that they really need from each other. For me it all goes back to the feeling of safety with each other. If we are not feeling safe we start to protect ourselves and that create ruptures within the relationship and there the problems slowly start to raise from.
Yes, marriage counseling actually works. There are certain aspects that one need to have in mind.
(1) both partners need to be committed to the relationship and to the process, which includes
(2) that both can agree to the fact that there are difficulties in the relationship.
(3) both need to be willing to try something different and take it from the practice into their real life.
(4) one of the most important factors in all therapy processes is the therapeutic relationship that the therapist can build with the client or the couple. Today there is enough scientific results about that, if you do not have a good therapeutic relationship it does not matter what tools you offer. It will end poorly. That is why I ask my clients after the first session how they feel with me and with what has happened in the session.