What is happening down under at the personal iceberg of the betrayer? -Part 3-

In the first two posts about the personal iceberg (Part 1) (Part 2) we have taken a closer look at the deepest levels of the iceberg, namely the complex trauma shaping in terms of the attachment, the gender, the sexuality and the body construction. Now we are ready to start the next excursion to take a look at how the complex trauma shaping is manifesting itself in our responses towards the world. With that I invite you again to put on your diving gear and check your air system and if you are ready to jump in the water and dive down to the next level of the iceberg.

The Three Templates

We are getting closer to the surface now. We can see the light filtering through the water towards us, it is no longer dark down here, we do not need our lights to see here any longer. Before we look into the different layers of this part of the iceberg I want to give us a definition and with that an understanding of the word template. “In psychology a template is a cognitive structure that represents organized knowledge about a particular concept or type of stimulus. These templates are built through experiences and are used to guide perception, memory, and behavior.”

To put that into a language that makes more sense, it means a template is like a mold that we have built over time in our systems (nervous system and/or body) to respond towards a stimuli or information. Which means we do not have to create an answer or a response when we are in a certain situation, our system goes to the template and response with the structure stored in the template. Have here in mind that we are still in the iceberg and the layers underneath the templates are the layers of the trauma. Which means that the trauma we have stored in those deeper layers are the origins of the molds we have created in our systems to respond to the outside world. The architecture of the templates is the blueprint of our experiences in this world, in our family and in the society we grew up in. The combination of those social experiences have shaped our trauma layers. How do we respond to certain situations, is the result of the sum of those experiences we have collected over the years of our childhood and of our growing up. As we are still underneath the waterline those responses are internally and not visible for the rest of the world. The three templates that we are looking at on this level are the personality, the gender and the sexuality.

Personality

The American Psychology Association (APA) defines Personality the following way: “Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns. Various theories explain the structure and development of personality in different ways, but all agree that personality helps determine behavior.”

Dr. Minwalla uses the metaphor of the Rock for the personality. The patterns of harm with a consistent theme and repetition over time experienced with a lack of ability to escape those patterns, shapes the rock and with that the personality and the psyche of the person. He talks about those experiences as drops of water that hit the rock and shape the rock over time. Those patterns of harm are the things we have looked at when we were diving down to the end of the iceberg, the trauma in the childhood and the attachment, and the wounds and the trauma about gender, sexuality, and our body. The shape that the rock took over time is the modus operandi; the way a person responds in situations. It is his way of thinking, feeling, behaving and relating in real time situations.

So, when we talk about the personality of a person, we often see it as the way a person responds and does things. We see that the person gets defensive in some moments or the person responds pushing others away or becomes aggressive or other kind of behaviors. We can see those responses and sometimes they make sense and sometimes we ask ourselves “where is that response coming from?” The answer to that question in general is: the experience that this person has been exposed to during his or her childhood and upbringing. It does not have to be always trauma. There are a lot of situations we are exposed to that are positive and create positive patterns of response or templates. To understand an addict and his acting out, we need to look into his story and the pain and the trauma that occurred for him there.

The template on the level of the personality is the integrity abuse. The addict has learned in his early childhood years that he is better off when he not always tells the truth. If he tells the truth, there is a high probability that he will be facing immediate negative consequences for what he did. Especially when he did something that was not okay or not within the rule sets of the family or society. He learned early on that if he manipulates the truth or lies or is not completely honest, the negative consequences will not come. So he is better off with less integrity. Even if his parents in one moment find out that he was lying or not being honest, he can live with the consequences for that situation because there are all the other moments when his parents did not find out and he were not facing any negative consequences. As there are many little moments over time, the betrayer learns over the years that he has a tool to not be honest and not show up with integrity. He also learned that it is not only working with his parents, it works also with other people that might have some power over him. The template starts to be installed and established.

This kind of behavior helps also a lot in moments when the person has to connect over a topic that is not easy to talk about or loaded with shame, or when he has to make himself vulnerable. This topic is the sexuality. He never learned to talk about it, and it is a topic that is loaded very often with shame. So, he has a tool to manage this kind of conversations – with not being honest and avoiding it through manipulation or lying.

What we are talking about here is the integrity abuse disorder IAD, which forms one of the two-part problems of deceptive sexuality. And as this behavior is learned very early in childhood it deeply rooted in the nervous system. Betrayed partners often tell me, that they can come to terms over time with the acting out, but what really is difficult for them is the ongoing integrity abuse. Because to a certain degree it constantly reminds them of the betrayal, and it constantly makes it so unsafe for them in their relationship.

Therefor one of the goals in working with the betrayer is helping him stop the integrity abuse behavior. The only way of doing that is slowing down the situation and looking at it in slow motion. What has happened here? What was my thought process? What was my emotional process? And how did they come together and let me respond or act the way I did? When there is an understanding of what was going in that moment, the betrayer can start to change the behavior because he will gain consciousness about it. What he is actually doing with this kind of work, he starts to change the response structure of his template. As it is a template that has been constructed most likely very early in his live, it will require a good amount of work on the side of the betrayer.

Gender

The next template is the gender template. The construction of what it means to be a man and how to respond towards the questions regarding being a man. How to position yourself in the society as a man. We have already looked into the definition of gender, so we do not need to repeat that piece here. In the first place the male gender construction is about striving to be one-up, compete to win, dominate and acquire power over others. This leads automatically of having the internal construction to have more rights than others and especially more rights than a woman or women in general. And we can see how deeply this construction is rooted in our society in the work reality; women have to be better and more qualified as men to get the same job, and they will get paid less even if they do the same work or even more. Men have this entitlement inherited and most often they are not even aware of it.

The male entitlement in the society expands towards the sexuality, where we find the sexual entitlement. Ideas like; men have a right to have sex, the woman must be at his service, if the woman is not willing to do what he deserves he has the right to force her to actions and other similar ideas. Behind all of those ideas and concepts is actually a high level of deep insecurity, shame and fear of making themselves vulnerable. Because entitled men have learned to not deal with their emotions unless it is anger. They have learned to suppress feelings, so they don’t have to feel anything. Or they redirect their feelings towards anger. A real man is strong, tough, fearless and shows no emotions at all and less fear. Emotions are considered in the entitled self-construction as weak and feminine. A real man cannot be that way.

With that construction comes a lack of introspection, self-awareness and self-consciousness. It is the easiest way to not have any emotions, because if I do not have awareness or consciousness about myself then I do not need to process my emotions. And I do not know what to do with them anyway, because nobody never explained me how to deal with them. So, it is actually better if I put all my emotions away and don’t worry about myself to much. The problem with that is – but an entitled man is not really interested in that because it is really scary – that he has no chance to really connect with another person on a deeper level, less with his intimate partner. As he does not know how to connect, he has always to pretend to and that only works if he wears a mask to hide behind it. This mask is also the place to hide behind when he acts out. If nobody really knows who he is, because he is always wearing a mask, it is easier to act out and lie about it afterwards.

The mask also makes it easier to not integrate his emotions. He also does not need to have self-insight, because he wears a mask and does not need to express or explain anything of his internal world. Like a good actor, nobody knows who the person is behind the mask! That this mask also prohibits him to develop and learn is real intimacy. He is not interested in learning those skills, because he is entitled and will get his sexual needs met anyway. He does not need intimacy for it. If his intimate partner does not give him the sexual satisfaction, or even worse, wants to connect with him on a deeper level, he finds someone else that gives him the sexual satisfaction outside of his intimate relationship. Someone that is not interested in the man behind the mask. So, he can pretend again and does not need to show that he is actually very hurt and scared. He can continue pretending.

An entitled man can avoid anything that is related to intimacy. Because he has the right to get his needs met anyway, he does not have to show himself or be intimate on a deeper level. Intimacy in this sense is not in the first-place sexual intimacy, it is the capacity to build a connection where both partners can be vulnerable. An entitled man does not need to be vulnerable; he does not need to create intimacy with his partner. He will get his physical needs met, with his partner or with someone else. And if the partner is not giving him what he has a right to, he will find it outside of the relationship and can than justify his infidelity easily for himself, because she would not take care of his needs.

The gender construction of entitlement might look great in the first place, because there are so many rights that men have and they can ask for it and take what they want and need. The other side of this coin is that an entitled man is a very lonely man, and he is deep inside a very hurt and scared man. He never learned to connect on a deeper level with no one. Not even his best friends know who he is, how could his partner know? If one looks into this gender construction, it is a very sad and lonely place to be in.

I have sat with enough betrayers that have learned to be vulnerable with themselves and with their partners, that told me how lonely and scarry their old live was and that they do not want to go back to that place. When they finally could take off their mask and start to connect with themselves and become vulnerable their life changed so dramatically. They tell me that their life today is so much deeper and richer. Yes, they are still scared to be vulnerable and intimate, but they have learned to be rewarded with so many beautiful things inside their intimate relationship and with new male friends they could build a real connection with, that it is worth taking that risk.

Take care and see you soon
Gundolf