Betrayal Trauma and Sex Addiction

What are we talking about?

Betrayal Trauma and Sex addiction are two terms that are directly connected, also the connection is not always as clearly seen as it should be. I am working for some years with betrayers, betrayed partners and the traumatic impact that the behavior of the betrayer has done to the relationship. I know that there is a very direct and deep connection between the sexual acting out of one partner and the deep trauma it has left the other in. I will talk in this article about some of the important words and how they are all interconnected. Because like always in psychology we do not have a single trigger to an outcome, there are most often multiple triggers or reasons towards an outcome. I will in this article use some of the words we can find in the context of betrayal trauma and compulsive sexuality and explain them.

Sex addiction

It is the behavior that the betrayer uses to calm or soothe his nervous system. I am talking in another article about the connection of addiction and dopamine in which I explain the scientific connection. To put it simple, there is a connection between the childhood and upbringing trauma of the betrayer and the addictive behavior he uses to soothe the pain of that trauma. In my work with the betrayer I help him understand what has happened in his earlier years that actually lead over time to his addictive behavior. Sometimes the connection is very clear. I want to clarify that I am talking about behavior, not the entire person. The betrayer has learned some behavior that is unhealthy for himself, and it hurts and traumatizes his partner.

Secret Sexual Basement

The result of the addictive behavior is the secret sexual basement. The betrayer created that basement with his dishonesty and keeping certain actions hidden from his partner. The secret sexual basement is an image that describes very exactly of what the betrayer is doing, what is happening to the relationship and to his partner. There is a lot of resonance for the betrayed partner when I present this image in the process. The actions within the secret sexual basement are the information the betrayer provides during the disclosure to his partner.

Two Part Problem

The next aspect(s) we need to address are the two parts of the problem connected to the addiction and the betrayal. On the one side there is his acting out, the secret sexual basement he has created and brought to the relationship. The next part is the integrity abuse behavior, all the behavior he used to cover up the secret basement. So his partner cannot find it. From my experience this behavior is the bigger problem for the healing process, as it shows up also in daily situations and the betrayed partner is by definition reminded of the betrayal. Because her brain registers those behaviors and is automatically reminded of the moments of his acting out.

Trauma basement

Under normal circumstances no one is born as an addict, it is a learned behavior. The addictive behavior is a survival mechanism created by the nervous system of the betrayer to soothe the system from too much overwhelming pain. The pain is the result of his childhood and upbringing experiences. When the betrayer understands and integrates this deep pain and trauma that he was exposed to during his childhood and growing up, the need for addictive behaviors minimizes dramatically. A big portion of the work with the betrayer is understanding his own trauma basement and the internal construction of himself, it is the personal iceberg work. I also want to clarify that this is not at all an excuse for him acting out, it helps to understand it and have an entrance to a deeper healing process.

22 Trauma rooms

Staying with the term of the trauma, we need to look at the betrayed partner. The acting out, the secret sexual basement and the two-part problem have shaped deep complex trauma in the partner. When she learns about the betrayal – which in itself is very traumatizing – she already has in general years of manipulation, lying, gaslighting and so on in her system. She already has a complex trauma in her system. The 22 trauma rooms are a representation of the different kinds of trauma the betrayed partner has been exposed to during the betrayal and good portion of the repair process. Understanding the deep layers of the trauma for the betrayed partner is a very important part within the healing process for both partners. For her it is the clear information that she is not crazy and for him it is connected to learn the tools that really help her when her nervous system is activated.

Complex PTSD versus PTSD

In the context of betrayal trauma, the diagnosis of cPTSD is often mentioned. And clients ask me what the difference to PTSD is. The symptoms are in general similar; the origin is different. PTSD is the result of a singular life-threatening event. That can be a natural catastrophe, an accident, a war situation, or a hostage situation. The origin of cPTSD in general is the repetition of situations that are in itself often not traumatic, but the repetition of the situation and the context of the situation producing a complex trauma situation within the nervous system. The conditions are in general that it happens within a relationship that is built in general on trust and a feeling of safety, it does not really leave an escape route, and it is repeated over and over again. Over time it creates the life-threatening reality for the nervous system.

Betrayal Trauma

This is the other big reality in this context. Betrayal trauma happens when your intimate partner is withholding important information from you, when the person you trust is not honest and authentic with you. The trauma is induced when there is not really an escape possibility for the victim. In the case of the betrayal within an intimate relationship we could argue (which I will not do) if the partner can’t leave. As she is gaslight, lied to, manipulated over time consistently, she has no access to the reality of her partners basement. She is forced to stay in a reality that she does not know. She goes to that internal place of “he says he loves me; he will never hurt me” and with that she stays. Even if it does not feel right. But as she has no real proof, she stays. And all of the betrayed partners know how deep the trauma lands.

To-Go-Person

When we are starting an intimate relationship, our nervous system let’s this person step into our attachment system. They become over time an essential part of our life. We go to that person with everything that happens to us, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything. Our nervous system knows in general that we can trust this person. That the shared agreement between the two partners is, that we will not hurt each other and that we are there for us. This reality changes with the betrayal. The betrayer becomes from one moment to the next a thread to our attachment system. We respond to that person with an immediate need to protect ourselves. To repair that broken trust takes a lot of time and a lot of right work on the end of the betrayer. My experience is that betrayers have never really learned to show up in a relationship that creates safety for their partner, they have a lot of work in front of them.

IMR versus IAR

Those two acronyms are very simple but the deep meaning of the concepts behind it are really the key to the repair process. IMR is the Intentionally Manipulated Reality that the betrayer creates with his acting out and the manipulation of the reality, the lying, gaslighting and withholding of relevant information. It is the secret sexual basement and all the things that happened there and the covering up of it. The IAR is the behavior we need to build. It is the Intentionally Authentic and Accurate Reality. In a stage of IAR there is honest, transparency and safety because the partner and the relationship are part of their reality of the betrayer. Once the betrayer starts to understand those two concepts, the deeper healing can start for both of them.

The big Elephant in the room

That is the work the couple has to do. They have to name the elephant and no longer ignore it. Name the reality of the betrayal and how it impacted the relationship. Then they have to tame the elephant. They have to learn to deal with the emotions and the waves that come hitting the relationship. The next step is to eat the elephant. Which means they have to sit with each other and learn to listen and understand what has occurred and how it impacted both of them. Here the couple will stay for quite some time. Because they have to go through all the moments and situations. It is here where the healing for the betrayed partner happens, if the betrayer holds space for her. The last step is digesting the elephant and using the outcome to start building a safe relationship that works for both of them. Where both of them have their voice and can grow.

Mountain work

It is the process for the betrayer to sit with his own story. To own his own story and make sense out of it, without shame. Just sit with it and let it wind through your consciousness. At the end of this work, he will have true answers to the big “why”-question all betrayed partners have for their partner. He will sit with his childhood experience and the realities he has been living with and often had to survive it. Not in the sense of massive abuse, in the sense of being a child and not having the capacities and the tools to have independent responses towards situations. He had to accept contexts and situation and take decisions to survive without been seen or having a voice. It is often a very true and deep work, if the betrayer takes this call with authenticity and as a huge possibility to become the man he is supposed to be and not the one he should be. Leaving the man box behind and become a real man with emotions, honesty and access to his true self. It is a big invitation.

Before I finish this entry, I want to give a massive thank to Dr. Omar Minwalla and his outstanding and deeply grounded work. The titles of each part are coming out of his work. The concepts behind it are the result of his 20 years of sitting with betrayers and betrayed partners in the room and listen to their stories. I have used my words and explained them the best way I understand them, but the credit goes to him. It is a little bit like a musician singing cover versions of the big artists. Also, I make it my own I want to acknowledge his deep work.

See you all soon.

Gundolf