Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Signs, Triggers, and How to Respond

In the second article about the 22 rooms, I was writing about the trauma symptoms. In this article we will take a little different look on the symptoms, how they show up within the betrayed partner and how the betrayer could help and respond in a healthy or helpful way when his partner is triggered or flooded by the trauma.

What does trauma mean for our brain?

Before we start looking into the symptoms I would like to give an idea about trauma that will help you understand the symptoms better. The job of the brain is to make sure that we survive. What helps the brain to make a good job with that is to predict behaviors and to find patterns. If it finds patterns it will find solutions.

The problem for the brain is when it cannot predict behaviors or when it does not understand the patterns. Then it cannot find a solution. What the brain does in those situations, it goes back to the same moment and tries to find the missing piece, so that it can find a solution.

Another interesting piece from neuroscience is that our brain cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy. If we imagine a situation with all kind of details, our brain does not know what is real and what is fantasy. It will respond in a way to imagination as it does to reality. The problem with trauma is, that our brain goes back to the situation and re-experiences it to find a solution. And with that it kind of manifests itself in the trauma.

What I have learned over time, working with betrayed partners (and also betrayers) is that trauma is a certain setting within the brain. The setting is that we are not safe and that we do not know how to create safety again. We are in front of a reality that our brain tries to understand and work through. And it can’t find a different outcome or a solution, as there are always parts missing. Therefore the brain of the betrayed partner is spinning very frequently into this mode of finding the solution and/or the missing part.

As we will go through all of the symptoms you will see how they fit into this setting of the brain. If you take the idea of safety and search for safety as one of the key needs for our brain, while you read through the symptoms, it will help you get a better understanding of them and why they make sense.

Hyper-vigilance, intrusions and persistent re-experiencing

The first symptom includes a lot of psychiatric words. So let’s break them down and see what is behind those words.

Under Hyper-vigilance we understand that a person is collecting a lot of information from the environment and mainly from her partner. The nervous system is scanning the world constantly for possible threats. Because of the trauma the betrayed partner tries to collect as many information as possible to hopefully find the missing part or to understand the behavior of the partner (again).

Intrusions describe a way of processing information. A person that is not in trauma can move their thoughts around and change the direction of them. A person that is in trauma cannot do that. Their thoughts are constantly circling around the betrayal. Every information that they collect runs through the filter of the betrayal. „Is the information going to make it safe for me or is it a possible threat?“ „Does the behavior enter into a pattern and therefore the outcome will be predictable or not?“ If the answer is not safe, then the brain gets hung up there and tries to find the missing part. The brain can’t let go of the betrayal reality.

Under persistent re-experiencing we understand the reality that brain constantly is going back to the events (disclosure, discovery, moments they found a piece of the truth out, etc.). Their brain is going into this place of experiencing the moment again. It is this part of not being able to differentiate between reality and fantasy. The brain gets some information that is a reminder of the betrayal and the brain starts the whole process of feelings and thoughts. For the betrayed partner it is not just a memory, they literally re live the whole situation.

If you put those three symptoms together you can easily see that the betrayed partner’s brain is constantly circling back into the reality of the betrayal. The less information she has, the more difficult it is for her to get out of that circle. Her brain gets literally stuck in that going around reality. The betrayed partner is absolutely not safe, her brain is actually in a survival mode. There is a constant underlying fear and threat to her life. She has an extreme need for safety, security and self-protection. If she does not get that or find that some of the other symptoms of trauma will show up, often immediately.

For the Betrayer

What does that mean for the betrayer? How can he actually help her feel safer again? The first thing is very simple: no more lies! Be honest with your partner. Don’t try to manipulate reality or the narrative. If you do not have the information, please do not come up with something. It will backfire completely. Your partner will figure out sooner or later that you lied or manipulated their reality again, she is hyper-vigilant! Don’t forget that.

Negative alterations in thought and mood

Imagine a person that’s brain is constantly in a fear mode. That person experiences life and all the things that are happening around her as a possible threat. It is like that person wears glasses through which she sees the world in a certain color. That impacts the way that person thinks about the world and the things that are happening around her. Her thought process is constantly connected to that fear and she cannot stop thinking about the past. She also cannot interpret information in a safe way. Because she is still in the loop of finding the missing part to make safe again. Unless she has not found that part, her thoughts will be driven by fear and insecurity.

The same happens with her emotions. As the outside world does not feel safe, her emotions are spinning around that experienced reality. Her thoughts and emotions are the actual expression of what her inside looks like: a stage of constant fear. This is the logic (at least on a neurological level) follow up on the symptoms we have talked about earlier (hyper-vigilance, intrusions and persistent re-experiencing). The hard thing for the betrayed partner is, that this stage includes negative expectations and interpretations towards situations, other people, oneself and important aspects and situations of her life. Because she cannot not stop or break through this internal stage. During the trauma this is a persistent reality for her.

For the Betrayer

My recommendation to the betrayer in those situations is to hold space for her. Let her know that what she is feeling and where her thoughts are going make sense to you. You do not have to agree to her thoughts but you have to help her in the way that it makes sense to you, knowing what you have done to her. Knowing that you have taken away her feeling of safety from her. That she is in a state of total insecurity and not being safe. The more you can understand that, the better you can hold space for her.

If you do not understand her internal reality and if you do not hold space for her, you will increase her level of fear. Because she will feel even worse. If you try to tell her what the reality is (even if you are right with it) you are telling her indirectly that she is crazy. And for her it will feel like you continue manipulating her reality, so you are still betraying her. So take her anxiety and fear for real. The more you can be with her in that place, the more you will be able to help her.

Trauma related arousal and reactivity

If you have ever seen a predator being wounded, cornered or scared you have a good idea of what is happening to a betrayed partner. When we are not safe we want to protect ourselves. As our first response to run away and escape in a betrayal situation normally is not working, we go into a fight mode. You will find a betrayed partner as very low tempered, responding very fast and easily with anger and verbal and/or physical outbursts, self-destructive behaviors and exaggerated responses to common situations. Your partner will show this kind of behavior very easily when surprised, triggered or emotionally activated. That means you have a partner that is very easily triggered, first of all because she is hyper-vigilant and recollects all kinds of information, and second because she filters information through the lens of threat and not being safe. What you will see is that your partner will change the mood very fast. In one moment she can be in a calm state and then in the next moment she gets upset and angry and you feel like not understanding the world anymore. The worst thing with all of that is the betrayed partner feels like “a person they do not know”, “that they are not themselves anymore”, and “I am normally not like that”. They know that their reactions are very strong and very quick tempered.

For the Betrayer

What the betrayer needs to understand is that the rapid changes in the mood of his partners are a very clear indicator that she is in trauma. That something has happened, even a little thing, that activated her. His job in those moments is holding space for her. Not trying to reason with her about things. There no way that she will be „convinced“ to understand him. She feels not safe and is desperately looking for safety. And it is in the first place an emotional response that can help her and not an intellectual one. The betrayer needs to learn to sit with her emotions and go with them, letting her know that her reaction make sense and that he owns the responsibility for having caused it. There is no quick fix for this one, it will take some time that her nervous system will feel safe again. The better the betrayer shows up and holds space for her, the sooner she will be in a better place.

Avoidance of trauma related stimuli

If you have followed me till this part, I hope you can see how exhausting this stage for the betrayed partner is. And it is not a stage she wants to be in, her nervous system constantly pushes her into it. The logical consequence is, that her nervous system and more so your partner needs a break from all of this exhausting new reality. The best way to get a break is avoiding contexts and situations that might trigger her. This avoidance happens on two ends, one is the outside world and the other is her mind, she will force herself to not think about the betrayal. The later one connects with the following symptom, the dissociation, which I will explain next.

The logical consequence of the avoidance of outside triggers is that she will minimize her contacts and the amount of times she will leave the house. In some cases it can be so overwhelming, that the betrayed partner is not even able to go outside and do groceries. It makes sense if you have in mind the symptoms that I have talked about earlier. If you are hyper-vigilant, if your mind constantly interprets the world from a threat point of view and your whole body immediately is flooded with memories and feelings of the betrayal when she gets triggered, she will try her best to avoid any kind of possible triggers. The result is that her world will become smaller and she is aware of that. Next to the betrayal that she has to cope with she also has to work through that reality of feeling more and more isolated.

For the Betrayer

It is important for the betrayer to have in mind that his partner is longing for safety and as the world feels very threatening at this moment, he has to understand that with not going outward, his partner is trying to protect herself and make it somehow safe for her. If she is willing to take the risk of going out, make it as safe as possible for her. You can try to encourage her to go and see good friends and see if they can hold space for her. Often going into the outside world with the partner that betrayed in itself can be a threat. If she does not want to do anything with you (the betrayer) understand why and be supportive of that.

Dissociative symptoms

The dissociation is an intent of the body or the nervous system to get some relief and a pause from the trauma and the stress connected to it. It shuts itself down. At least temporarily. The dissociation will show up in the way that the betrayed partner might zoom out in the middle of an activity. That can happen when they are out meeting with friends or when they are at home, scrawling through social media without really paying attention, or watching a movie without paying attention. The idea behind it is that their nervous system shuts down and stops receiving any kind of information. It happens in moments when they feel safe to some degree and they can let go of the need for checking out for safety.

For the Betrayer

If you find your partner in this stage and you need something of them, make a gentle approach towards them. Don’t scare them and push them back into a place of alteration or anxiety. If you do not need anything from them, just let them be in this stage, give them a break for a time. If you can help with the chores at home or with the kids, help them with that and let them be. They are already most of the time overwhelmed, so a break can really help them.

Distress and functional impairment

If you follow the logic of the symptoms so far, this last symptom, the distress and functional impairment makes a lot of sense too. If you are collecting and processing more information then the average person, your brain is constantly looking into possible worst outcome scenarios and your emotions are a roller coaster, you do not have a lot of capacity and energy left for daily things. The result is that the person who’s brain operates under trauma has often huge difficulties to continue with the daily occupations like work, taking care of the house and the children. Next to that, they often experience physical reactions, which means they are more likely to get sick or that their body is responding towards the betrayal with some kind of physical symptoms. The result is that they are not in the place to maintain the level of attention and energy to do all the things that they need to do.

On top of that reality the family often has to make changes in their life because the betrayal makes it impossible to continue living in the same way. Maybe the betrayer has to move out temporarily, or they have to move away because the betrayal has damaged the social network, the betrayer has lost his job or needs to find a new job because he acted out at work and so on. Next to massive changes often it also includes a financial situation and it all brings a lot of uncertainty to the betrayed partner and the family.

This symptom is for the betrayed partner often a very difficult one. Because if they are not able to function in the way they were, it will be sooner or later visible to the outside world. Which makes it even harder for the betrayed partner, because she will feel a lot of pressure and at the same time she does not have the energy to really keep up with all of it.

For the Betrayer

If you realize that your partner is no longer in a place where she can function in the normal way, do not put more pressure on her. Help her with the things that need to be done and let her know that you get it and that you will take care of things that are too much for her in the moment. Do it in a way that she can accept it and that she does not feel like she is a failure. She is already beaten up enough. Give her space to be with herself so she can rest or process what is going on for her.

This symptom next to the dissociation and the rapid mood swings are the most visible trauma reactions. So if you find your partner in this stage, be aware that she is overwhelmed with the trauma. Trauma that you have caused! There is no reason to be frustrated with her and blame her when she is not capable of doing things. Be patient with her and find ways to help her and support her in a non-blaming way.

Some last thoughts on the symptoms of trauma

If you have read the symptoms of trauma you might see that it is very easy if you look at just one symptom to judge the book by its cover and not by the story inside. If you see the totality of the symptoms you will understand that your partner is in trauma and that she is not crazy, depressed or emotionally unstable or even lazy. She is fighting to survive a traumatic situation, that has broken her and rattled up her whole life. Be gentle with her!

Will come back soon with more topics

Gundolf