With this blog we are looking into the parts of the betrayer. What is happening on his side? After looking into the story, the trauma and the parts that are happening for the betrayed partner, we move now to the betrayer. In my first blog (“Why you should work with a Minwalla trained professional?”) I was talking about the two-part problem of the sex-addiction. Today we are looking with more depths and detail into those two parts and try to make meaning of it.
What are the two parts of the Problem?
Before we talk about the two parts I want to clarify that no sex-addict or betrayer is born being a sex-addict or being betrayer. What makes them sex-addicts and people that betray their partners is learned behavior. It is in general speaking, a defense response to a lot of pain and trauma that they have been exposed to during their childhood and growing up. When I say trauma I am not talking in the first place about abuse (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional) that they have been exposed to. It can be the case that the addict had to face and experience abuse. But it is not always the case.
Complex-Trauma-Shaping
What I am talking about is complex-trauma-shaping. The sum of small moments where the child has been devalued, discriminated, insulted, felt left out, and so on. Moments, that looked at individually, are not so traumatizing. The sum of those moments have created a context of a lot of hurt and pain. It is the constant drop of water on the stone that shapes the stone. It is the constant comment about the body, the gender, the sexuality or the self of the child growing up that hurts a part deep inside of them, their core identity. I always give the betrayer the image of having a box next to them. In this box they put all the moments and situations that have been hurtful or painful or disqualifying to them. Over time they fill this box up. It is a huge collection of pain and hurt. And it is not a pretty box to look at. That is for sure. What do they do with this box? They put it in a place where they do not see it and where they do not feel the pain. This box full of painful memories is what we call in psychological terms complex-trauma-shaping.
Two learnings to deal with the box full of painful memories that help shape the sex-addiction
Even if we put this box full of painful memories in a place where we do not see it, we know it is there. And we know that it contains a lot of pain. Whenever we open the door to our wardrobe to take out some new cloths, we see this box in the dark corner. We are immediately flooded and reminded of the pain. We close the door as fast as we can but the pain is still there.
Then something amazing happens. We get into puberty. A lot of changes in our body are happening. And we discover sexuality. And we also find out something very important: if I engage in any kind of sexual activity, with myself or with another person, I feel good and I do not think or worry about this box in my wardrobe. The pain is gone. Over time our nervous system learns that sexuality is giving us some relieve from the pain. And it starts to “use” sexuality to calm itself. The path towards addiction is created. There are some other aspects that play a role in here, but this is the beginning of the story.
The other important learning comes in general earlier. The child learns, that when it does something that the parents do not like, there will be negative consequences. One day the child does not tell the truth. And again something very interesting and amazing happens for the child: the punishment or negative consequences stay away. The child tries it again, with the same result. What is the learning here? If I am not 100% honest, I do not have to face negative consequences. The few times my parents caught me lying or not being honest, it will have negative consequences. But I can handle those moments if I do not have to face them all the time. The child learns here that lying, not being honest and having secrets make the life easier. The fundament for the integrity abuse behavior is laid.
So those are the two learned responses to painful and negative life situations. Those two form the fundament for becoming a sex addict. I know I have really simplified the reality here, just for the purpose to show that we do not have to have traumatic events happening in our lives that make us become a sex addict. And I also want to point out, that both of those parts are learned behaviors. Which means we are not born with them, we have learned them over time. Good news is, we can learn something different and choose in one moment in which behavior do we want to engage.
Let´s take a closer look at the two parts and their difficult wording. So that we can understand why Dr. Minwalla is using them in his model. He is using them to describe a clinical reality which he has observed over many years sitting in the room with sex-addicts and betrayers. And he is using those words because he really wants to address the mechanisms that are in place here. That goes for both parts; the Compulsive Entitled Sexuality (CES) and the Integrity Abuse Disorder (IAD).
What is Compulsive Entitled Sexuality (CES)?
Three big words! Let´s look at them and try to make meaning of them. And then we can connect them and understand what is the information here.
Sexuality:
Everybody talks about and has a brought idea of what it means. The World Health Organization defines sexuality as: “(…) a central aspect of being human throughout life (that) encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction.”
We are sexual beings. We all have sexual energy within us. We see the world through the lens of sexuality. Because we are scanning our environment consciously (and unconsciously) for possible partners to reproduce. We are attracted to attractive people. I already hear some of you saying that they are not that way. Maybe they are really not interested in sexuality but it is because they are orienting their sexual energy towards other things – like work, sports or so on. And that is a possible. We also are not only engaging in sexual behaviors for reproduction only. We engage in them for pleasure and for connecting with somebody. Healthy sexuality includes approaching sexual interactions and relationships from a perspective that is consensual, respectful, and informed. Healthy sexuality is free from coercion and violence.
I hope it really is clear that sexuality is not the problem. As long as it includes the aspects of healthy sexuality. The next two words make it complicated and unhealthy.
Compulsive Sexuality
Defines any kind of sexual behavior where a person lacks control or is not able to stop or resist engaging in the behavior despite negative consequences. The pattern here for the person is a persistent failure in controlling repetitively sexual impulses or urges which result in acting on those. The person knows that those actions have negative consequences on the person itself and the partner and his family.
Behind that is a neurological reality. When we engage in sexual behavior we release a lot of Dopamin and Seretonin, hormones that make us feel happy and alter our mood. Over time the brain of the acting out person has learned to use the release of those hormones to soothe the pain from the childhood. You can compare it neurologically with a drug addict. The difference is, that a drug addict needs to inject substances into his system to get the feeling of soothing. A sex addict has to engage in sexual behavior and the body itself will release those hormones. Which means a sex addict always has access to the soothing moment, he just has to engage in sexual behavior.
If one understands that reality, it makes it much easier to understand the compulsive part in acting out. The hormones that are released alter the mood of the person. It leads to the continuation to engage in those kind of behaviors without having control over them. And it can lead to an obsession with sexuality. Knowing that engaging in this behavior will have negative consequences.
Entitlement
Entitlement is the learned belief that one is deserving certain privileges. In general entitlement is not a bad thing because it helps us to see the value in ourselves and pushes ourselves to achieve goals and ask for what we need. It becomes unhealthy when it harms or violates the rights of other people. When a person prioritizes his personal needs over other people and their needs we can see an unhealthy entitlement.
We can see a lot of male entitlement in our societies where men have privileges over women. For example, in the work field, women are still payed in general less for the same work or in most cases women have to work more and harder to achieve the same position. In many families there are still very clear distributions of which are the responsibilities of the men and women at home. Those privileges are cultural and social learned and manifested positions. One can sum them up under the phenomena of the men box (I recommend a very good TED talk from Tony Porter about the men box.). If one dives deeper into the betrayal trauma, one cannot not look into the men box and the impact it has on men, women and on the society.
Sexual Entitlement
When it comes to sexuality we will find with a sex addict an entitlement or more specifically a male sexual entitlement. What does this terminology mean? It is the prioritization of personal (male) sexual needs over the interests and sometimes human rights of another person. The belief that men are owed sex on account of their maleness. A belief that they have the “right” to have sex and to get it when they need it, without thinking or being interested in the needs of another person. Male sexual entitlement refers to “a view that men have strong, and often uncontrollable, sexual needs that must be fulfilled and that women must serve that purpose” (Hill & Fischer, 2001). Sex addicts often view sex as a male right and privilege and they act upon this privilege. They do not care about the impact it has on another person and especially on their partner or family.
One can say that the secret sexual basement is a patriarchal structure, that is highly protected and untouchable. Male Sexual Entitlement is a key part of the thought system that creates, permits, and maintains the secret sexual basement. And if you want to boil it down you could also argue that it is not a “lack of control” problem it is a “I don´t want to control” problem because I deserve it and I have a right.
Summary: Compulsive Entitled Sexuality (CES)
Now we have a better idea of Compulsive Entitled Sexuality (CES). We have the part of the impulse control problem connected to sexuality. The sex addict has huge difficulties controlling his sexual actions. They are needed to soothe the nervous system. We have on the other hand the entitled sexuality, the believe that men have a right to have sex. With those three components we can explain the construction of the secret sexual basement and the acting out in this basement. We have the sexuality, the behavior, we have the compulsivity the internal urge to act sexually and we have the entitlement which gives the betrayer the internal justification to engage in sexual behaviors outside of their intimate relationship.
What is Integrity and Abuse Disorder?
Now we can look into the second part of the problem, the integrity abuse behavior. Again we have three words here that are not so common and that are big. Let´s break it down, to understand the parts better. And from there we can get its meaning.
Integrity
This is the quality of being honest and having internally strong and clear moral principles. This word and its meaning really is not bad at all, it is the expression of something really valuable. It gets difficult and unhealthy if we connect it with the two other words, because they are twisting the situation around.
Integrity Disorder
Disorder points out, that the order that is normally given no longer is present. Bringing it to the (mental) health field, a disorder is an illness that disrupts normal physical or mental functions. Therefore, a disorder could be defined as a set of problems, which result in causing significant difficulty, distress, impairment and/or suffering in a person’s daily life.
If we connect disorder with integrity, we can clearly understand that the person has a problem with being honest and truthful. That means for the betrayal and the secret sexual basement all the behaviors that are used to cover up the basement. Behaviors like lying, gaslighting, manipulating the truth, lying by omission, blaming, covert tactics of domination and control and so on.
Looking at the betrayer and the logic behind it, this kind of behavior makes a lot of sense. It really is necessary to protect the soothing mechanism of the acting out and the secret sexual basement.
Abuse
It is an action that intentionally causes harm or injures another person. This can refer to physical, psychological, emotional, mental or economical abuse. Within the abuse we find often a dependency between two people. In which one of them has not the resources to defend or protect themselves. If we look for example at parent-child-relationship or man-woman-relationship one can detect very easily a hierarchy between those two people. Abuse can also happen between an institution and a person, where the institution has power over the person.
Can we talk about abuse in the context of sex-addiction? Yes, we can. Because we have a reality where the betrayer is withholding information to his partner that harms her on a psychological level. During the betrayal the betrayer is acting consciously. While acting out he knows that he is injuring his partner. He can try to justify it through his entitlement and the integrity disorder, but he knows that what he is doing is not right. Otherwise he would not try to hide the secret sexual basement. So, yes there is abuse happening. Most of the betrayers have a very difficult time to see it and admit it. But it is part of the reality they have created.
The result: Deceptive Sexuality Trauma (DST)
What is the outcome of the Compulsive Entitled Sexuality and the Integrity and Abuse Disorder? Let´s go back to the betrayed partner, because she is the one who has been exposed to it over time. The result is that it creates Deceptive Sexuality Trauma within her.
Deceptive is the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is actually false and invalid. In the case of the betrayal what is not true, is the sexuality the betrayer is offering to his partner. Because his sexuality includes the secret sexual basement of which she does not know anything. Once she finds out about it she is really shocked and in trauma. Why that is so, you can read in the post “Why is betrayal causing trauma within the partner?”, where I explained it with more details.
With that the circle closes. Because the CES and IAD are building up to the DST. I hope I could show you during this post that it is not just a cavalier’s offence we are talking about. There is real trauma happening for the betrayer which needs to be voiced and looked at. Because they are hurting and traumatizing other people. I have sat with enough betrayers and betrayed partners in the room to know that this is reality – for both of them. And it is really painful for both. But as I said in the beginning of this post, it is in the first place learned behavior. Which means we can work on it and change it. It is a lot of work and it includes a lot of rewiring of the nervous system. But it is possible. Looking forward to seeing you for the next post.
Gundolf