When you have been exposed to betrayal in your intimate relationship you will start the difficult journey of finding help, professional help. You will start to search the internet and you will find councilors, coaches and therapists that reclaim that they can help you with the situation you are in.
Some challenges you are facing when seeking help
In that stage you are in you will face some real challenges that make it difficult to find a professional that really fits you and can give you the help, guidance and tools you need at this moment. Those challenges are:
First challenge:
In finding out that your partner is betraying you, you are emotionally hit by a tsunami and you really do not know what is going. You do not know what is true and what not, and you do not know what to do with all the information that just came to you. You are completely overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions. Making decisions under those conditions is very difficult and you will reach out to any professional that sounds promising to you without really checking what is his or her back round, if they are really trained in the way you need it and will be helpful for you or not.
Second Challenge:
Often the betrayer at this stage of the betrayal and healing process is not yet on board. You just discovered that he is betraying you and you have no idea of the dimensions of this betrayal. You do not know who is in the secret sexual basement underneath your living room and how often he is going down there and what is happening in that basement. He will try to keep the most part of it a secret at this moment, so he will tell you that he is willing to sit in with a professional and work on the healing of the relationship but he will withhold information and he will not really cooperate with the process.
The result is that the professional will get an incorrect picture of the reality and will make interventions into a direction that are not helpful. In fact, often those interventions are harmful and traumatizing for the betrayed partner. Which means they are not helpful at all and worse, they are more traumatizing for the betrayed partner. So you will leave the sessions with more pain and no tools to manage the situation. And your partner most likely will continue with the betrayal.
Third Challenge:
A lot of professionals claim they are trained and informed about sex addiction. But they are not trained in betrayal trauma and how to help a betrayed partner maneuvering through those very difficult times and the overwhelming emotions that come with this reality of the betrayal. They often have a focus on the betrayer and they work with him, but they do not work with the betrayed partner, nor do they understand that the betrayed partner is in an acute state of trauma. They will misinterpret the trauma symptoms of the betrayed partner as “crazy”. Which they are not!
And as they do not have a view or a training towards healing the betrayed relationship they often leave it completely out of their attention, focus and interventions. And again if you find this kind of professional he or she will very likely help the betrayer but will not help the relationship or the betrayed partner because their focus and their training is not there. The betrayed partner will leave sessions with that professional with a feeling of “and where do I fit in? when are we starting to talk about what is going on for me?”.
A professional trained in Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma Treatment (DST)
If you find a professional that is trained with Dr. Minwalla and knows about the Minwalla Model and the Deceptive Sexual Trauma (DST) you have a high possibility that you will sit in a room with someone who knows about the actions of the betrayer and the trauma behind it for him. He or she understands that the betrayal is not “just” a cavalier´s offence, that it is in fact an addiction that needs treatment and that can be treated. Otherwise it will come back.
That professional also understands the deep trauma in which the betrayed partner is. He or she will have the capacity to receive the betrayed partner with her trauma and guide her through it and stabilizer her. Understand that the betrayed partner is highly activated and in a state of hyperarousal. The interventions will be directed to help the betrayed partner get back into a state where they can at least function on a more normal level. Those interventions will include explaining to the betrayer what is happening to his partner and what are the things he needs to do to help her. Because him being around implements a high possibility of activating her, he is the person that betrayed and with that the person that caused the trauma!
A professional that is trained in the Minwalla Model also focuses on the relationship and the acute trauma in which the relationship is. That means his or her interventions are aiming to stabilize in the first place the relationship and on the long run to heal the relationship. This includes that the professional understands that the betrayer, the betrayed partner and the betrayed relationship are in front of a two-part problem.
The two-part-problem of Sex-Addiction
The first problem is the compulsive entitled sexual behavior (CES) which includes all the activities that have happened in the secret sexual basement (and most often continue to happen in the beginning of the healing process). The first interventions directed towards the betrayer are understanding and stopping those CES behaviors.
The second problem is the integrity abuse disorder (IAD) and the behaviors that result from that. Those behaviors are much deeper inscribed in the betrayer as they have been learned and trained in a much earlier state of his development. Therefore, they are much more difficult to get rid of, being stopped and changed into healthy behaviors.
Almost all of the betrayed partners stated that the IAD behaviors are very triggering for them because they show up on a daily base which is disconnected from covering up the secret sexual basement. But they activate constantly the betrayal trauma within the betrayed partner. So after getting a hold of the compulsive entitled sexuality the professional has to work on understanding and stopping the integrity abuse behaviors with the betrayer.
Working with the Betrayer
While working with the betrayer on those two problems the professional also have to help the betrayer to learn how to become a safe person again for the betrayed partner. This includes educating the betrayer on the symptoms of trauma that his partner is showing (and make sure that he understands that she is not crazy!).
Educating is one pillar of helping the betrayer heal the relationship. The other is to teach him tools so that he can be a safe person for her. Those tools are easy to learn but they are very difficult to implement while you are in front of a person that is in a trauma reaction. This means the betrayer has to learn to regulate himself in the first place. And in between lines you might also understand that the betrayer has to learn to let go of the entitlement that he has been living for most part of his life.
That is very briefly the work to focus on when working with the betrayer. A professional that is trained in the Minwalla Model knows that. He or she also knows that all of the interventions are happening with the focus on helping the betrayed partner and the betrayed relationship. Stopping the CES and IAD behaviors, teaching about the trauma and learning to self-regulate are all tools that help stabilize the partner and with that the relationship.
Working with the Betrayed Partner
At the same time while helping and educating the betrayer the professional is working with the betrayed partner. Walking with her through the trauma that she has been exposed to and is still experiencing the deep impact of it. Helping her understand what is happening to her and to her nervous system, why the betrayal has caused deep trauma within her. Helping her understand why she is showing the behaviors she is showing.
For example, why she is very low tempered also she normally is a very calm person, why she does not want to leave the house also she had a very active social life, why easy tasks are difficult for her and she loses herself in looking at the cellphone for hours without seeing anything, and so on. A lot of the betrayed partners describe this stage they are finding themselves in as “that is not me! I do not know myself anymore!”. The professional has to understand the internal world of the betrayed partner and create for her a safe place. This includes explaining to her what is going on and finding some solid ground again where she can take baby steps towards healing herself.
The betrayed partner is in front of a completely shattered world, which is her world and her story! A professional that is trained within the Minwalla Model understands that and can guide the betrayed partner through the emotional catastrophe she is facing.
Focusing on the Betrayed Relationship
A Minwalla Model trained professional also sees and understands the deep impact the secret sexual basement and the betrayal has on the relationship. The deep and acute rupture of trust that has shaken up the intimate relationship. Also both partners wish to go back to a normal stage within the relationship the professional knows that this is impossible at this moment.
He will work with the couple on setting boundaries for the betrayed partner and implementing the consequences when those boundaries have been violated by the betrayer. He will help the betrayed partner to have a voice and use it within the relationship.
The professional understands that in this acute state of rupture the most important thing is to create spaces where the betrayed partner can start to feel safe again and from where the first little steps can be taken by her towards connecting and with that healing.
With the betrayal the intimate relationship has lost two basic and very important ingredients: safety and trust. Both are not easy to establish and especially not when you have been exposed to betrayal. The professional will guide the betrayer to rebuild those two things over time. He or she will help the betrayer understand that his words are meaningless for his partner at this moment. He has used words to manipulate the reality, lie, gaslight, minimize and so on with the goal to cover up his secret sexual basement. Why should she trust his words? She cannot and will not! So he has to learn other tools to rebuild the trust within her and create safety for her again.
Handling the three plates simultaneously
A Professional trained in Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma Treatment (DSTT) has learned over two years to sit in a room and hold space for those three spinning plates: the betrayer, the betrayed partner and the betrayed relationship. He or she has learned to guide each of those plates simultaneously towards healing.
A Minwalla Model trained professional also understands the whole process behind those three plates and how to maneuver them. The professional has a deep understanding of the importance of setting boundaries, of doing mountain work with the betrayer, of walking through the process of disclosure, of stabilizing the relationship and the two persons that are the former founders of this relationship, of walking through the 22-trauma rooms of DST, of rebuilding and establishing trust within the two partners and of transforming the toxicity of the betrayal into something different that can be helpful for a different kind of relationship for both of them. A relationship that is based on truth, honesty and safety.
During the next blogs I will dive in more detail into the Minwalla Model, what to do with the betrayer and how to bring him on board, what to do with the betrayed partner and the betrayed relationship and also why and how to work with the betrayer and the betrayed partner together on the betrayed relationship. Those and other topics will be discussed in this blog. All topics around betrayal trauma, Deceptive Sexual Trauma Treatment, the three spinning plates, the secret sexual basement, complex trauma (cPTSD), how to build a relationship after betrayal, and so on. If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to send me a message and I will catch up on those too. Thank you. Have a wonderful day. See you in the next chapter!
Gundolf