In the first part I have given you an introduction to the house and how the 22 trauma rooms are divided within the different floors. And we also looked into the first five rooms that form part of the Covert phase. In this blog we will go upstairs and look into the rooms of the exposure phase.
Exposure Phase
The betrayed partner finds out about the secret sexual basement, she discovers that her partner has betrayed her. Often the discovery is followed by a partly disclosure. In very few cases the betrayer comes straight forward and discloses the whole secret sexual basement. For the betrayed partner her whole world is collapsing and the tsunami hits her with all its strength. The exposure phase is divided into two floors because next to the trauma caused by the betrayal and the discovery, we have a whole floor with the symptoms of cPTSD.
The second floor inhabits the following rooms: (4) Exposure integrity abuse shaping, (5) Discovery trauma, (6) Disclosure trauma, (7) Reality ego fragmentation and (8) Acute relational rupture and attachment injuries. On the third floor we will find the rooms that describe the trauma symptoms: (9) Hypervigilance, intrusions and persistent re-experiencing, (10) Avoidance of trauma related stimuli, (11) Negative alterations in thought and mood, (12) Trauma related arousal and reactivity, (13) Distress and functional impairment and (14) Dissociative symptoms. Let´s take a closer look to those rooms.
(5) Discovery trauma
This is the moment when the partner finds out about the existence of the secret sexual basement. It is a very devastating and shocking moment for the partner. Her world literally collapses in a second. All the values and stories build together with her (acting out) partner are questioned. From one moment to the next she does not know any longer what is true and what not. She does not know what to think and feel about the whole situation and about her partner. It is a very traumatic moment for her. She is overloaded with emotions and her nervous system literally shuts down to protect herself.
Imagine yourself standing at the place where your home was and a tornado just ran over it and has taken it away. If you dive into this image, you get a feeling of where the betrayed partner internally and emotionally is. Everything she knew and she felt safe with, is gone. In an instant. Nothing is like it was a moment before. It is a very traumatic moment for her.
(6) Disclosure trauma
It would be fantastic if the betrayer in the moment of discovery could come clean and straight forward to his partner and disclose the reality and the expansion of the secret sexual basement. It would be tremendously helpful to get instantly the truth of what was going on. The betrayed partner could start to sort through the two realities.
The reality is, that the betrayer has no tools to be honest around is acting out and he himself is so loaded with shame about it. So he gives his partner the minimum of information and often only when asked and insisted on. So there is this dripping disclosure happening which is so traumatizing for the betrayed partner. Because every time she gets some new information of the secret sexual basement she has to start over again and integrate the information and compare them with the information she already has. She also has to compare them with her own reality. This means she cannot heal and she cannot close the file. It is not only opening the trauma up again; it is also adding constantly new trauma to her.
When the full disclosure finally is given, it is often very traumatic for the betrayed partner. Because she sits and listens to the (hopefully) full truth of the extend of the secret sexual basement. The shear amount of actions that has happened over time in that basement, is absolutely overwhelming for the betrayed partner. Again a whole world shatters for her in this moment. Another tornado runs over her house.
(7) Reality ego fragmentation
We create ourselves around the stories we experience and that we tell ourselves. Our reality about ourselves, and with that our ego, is directly connected to those stories and experiences. What is the ego? The ego is the self; the internal construction every human being has about him or herself. It is created in time by the events and moments we have lived and experienced and the meaning we have given to them. Through those moments and meanings, we create our internal self, our ego. If you want, you can define it as our construction of ourselves over time.
What happens to the reality and to the ego of the betrayed partner in the moment of discovery and disclosure? They are completely destructed. The reality of the relationship and the life the betrayed partner thought she had with her partner no longer exists.
If the reality of the betrayal produces a fragmentation of this pre-existing (before the discovery) reality it also produces a fragmentation of the ego of the betrayed partner. She does no longer knows what is real and who she is. Because she lost in an instant the reality of her live because of the betrayal. This is a tremendous trauma that the betrayed partner is exposed to.
(8) Acute relational rupture and attachment injuries
The same thing happens with the relationship. The discovery and disclosure produce a deep rupture of the core safety within the relationship. As I have talked in the blog why betrayal produces trauma within the partner the moment when the reality of the existence of the secret sexual basement comes to light the to-go-person that my partner was for me, no longer exists. The safety net in our relationship is cut loose from one moment to the next.
So we are exposed to a place of unsafety in an instant. We do not trust our partner and we do not know what was real in this relationship. The relationship is completely shattered in its core. As we are social beings we have that need for connection. If we lose this connection, you can imagine that it is a very traumatic situation for us. To lose the partner in an instant. Knowing that he is still there but he is no longer the person we thought he is. So the relationship at this moment is completely questioned. And it will take a long time and a lot of work to rebuild trust and safety within the relationship.
(4) Exposure integrity abuse shaping
What happens very, very often in this stage of the betrayal / recovery, is that the betrayer has no tools at all to change his behavior. He will continue to use integrity abuse behavior. Because it is so inscribed in his system that he uses it to protect himself. And he is not even aware of him doing it. At the same moment the betrayed partner is constantly reminded of the betrayal. Because the integrity abuse behavior had been used to cover up the secret sexual basement. So whenever the betrayer is using this kind of behavior (even when he is no longer acting out) the betrayed partner is not only reminded of the betrayal she is also re-traumatized. She cannot leave the place of trauma for the reason of the continuation of the integrity abuse behavior. So for her it is constantly living in the trauma situation.
Those are the rooms of the second floor. Let´s go to the third floor which hosts all the rooms that describe the trauma symptoms: (9) Hypervigilance, intrusions and persistent re-experiencing, (10) Avoidance of trauma related stimuli, (11) Negative alterations in thought and mood, (12) Trauma related arousal and reactivity, (13) Distress and functional impairment and (14) Dissociative symptoms. Those rooms are the physical, emotional and mental expression of the trauma. It is important to understand the symptoms so that the betrayed partner is not mislabeled as “crazy”. It is important for the betrayer to understand it, so he knows what is going on with his partner. And it is important for the betrayed partner, so she understands herself better and can deal with herself differently.
(9) Hypervigilance, intrusions and persistent re-experiencing
This room describes in the first place a stadium of alert of the person. The symptoms described here are all indicators that the person is not safe, in a survival mode, with constant underlying fear and the instinct for protection is mobilized. The need for safety, security and self-protection have a high priority in the psyche and the nervous system of the betrayed partner.
Hypervigilance means that a person is very sensitive, is constantly scanning the environment for possible threats and dangers. And it also means that information that she receives from the outside world are often interpreted as possible threats.
Intrusions means that the thoughts and interpretation of the information from the outside (and inside) world cannot be stopped or directed towards a nonthreatening context. It is almost impossible for a betrayed partner in the early stage of recovery to not focus on and think about the betrayal.
Persistent re-experiencing refers to the reality that the betrayed partner is constantly reminded of the betrayal. Her thoughts and feelings are constantly going back to the moment of discovery, the life shattering reality that they bring back to her. Images of the possible scenarios of the acting out. Combined with the hypervigilance the environment constantly reminds her about the betrayal and her emotions going immediately to that place.
(10) Avoidance of trauma related stimuli
This symptom is the intention of the nervous system to get a break from the trauma. So the betrayed partner is on the one side avoiding thinking about the betrayal and with that avoiding looking at the memories. On the other side she is avoiding the kind of situations that might trigger her. Both aspects lead to the reality that her world gets smaller. She is avoiding contact with the outside world so that she is not becoming triggered. She is also avoiding a deep contact with her inside world so that she will not be flooded with disturbing and painful memories. The result is that her world feels and in fact is much smaller because of the betrayal.
(11) Negative alterations in thought and mood
This symptom describes that the state of the thoughts and the emotions is dominated by fear. So the emotional state is constantly overlaid with fear. Any other emotional state is being overrun by this emotion. The same goes with the thoughts. They are constantly driven to fearful thoughts.
All incoming information from the world are filtered through this general state. The thoughts of a betrayed partner are going to interpretations that are negative because the underlying emotional state is fear. This includes negative expectations and interpretations towards situations, other people, oneself and important aspects and situations of her life. During the trauma this is a persistent reality for the betrayed partner.
(12) Trauma related arousal and reactivity
This symptom is also a response to the state of fear the betrayed partner is constantly in. After the discovery the world of the betrayed partner literally crashed and her main emotional state is fear related. The response from our nervous system towards fear is defensiveness. You will find a betrayed partner as very low tempered, responding very fast and easily with anger and verbal and/or physical outbursts, self-destructive behaviors and exaggerated responses to common situations. This kind of behavior is shown very easily when surprised, triggered or emotionally activated. Often the betrayed partner describes themselves – especially in terms of this symptom – as “a person they do not know”, “that they are not themselves anymore”, “I am not like that”. They feel shattered to the core of their own identity.
(13) Distress and functional impairment
Because of the betrayal trauma the partner has been exposed to – and often in this phase of the recovery continues to be exposed to – the continuation of a normal life is often not possible or with a lot of obstacles. The symptom in this room describes the direct impact of the trauma the betrayed partner is exposed to in their daily life. Betrayed partners have often huge difficulties to continue with the daily occupations like work, taking care of the house and the children. Next to that, they often experience physical reactions, which means they are more likely to get sick or that their body is responding towards the betrayal with some kind of symptoms. Often the betrayal forces the family to make changes in their life because the betrayal makes it impossible to continue living in the same area, so they have to move. Next to the physical change it includes often financial issues and a lot of uncertainty. All of that leads the betrayed partner towards a place where they are actually not functioning well on many levels. This not functioning is visible for the outside world. Which in itself is triggering for the betrayed partner, because she realizes that she is not functioning well and her environment realizes it too.
(14) Dissociative symptoms
This symptom is an intent of the body to get some relieve and a pause from the trauma and the stress connected to it. So it shuts itself down. Betrayed partners will find themselves often zooming out in the middle of an activity. They are going out with some friends and out of nowhere they are no longer emotionally and cognitively present in the conversation. Their nervous system shuts down and stops receiving any kind of information. Often it happens in moments when they feel safe to some degree, with friends or when they are alone at home. They will find themselves in a state of dissociation.
This can be in the form of shutting down the system and not being responsive, that can also happen in the way of scrawling through social media without even noticing that they are doing it. So any kind of activity that includes the cut out of sensory stimuli goes under this symptom. And it is the intent of the nervous system to get a pause from the constant trauma and being altered.
In this block we walked through the two floors of the exposure phase. On the first of those two floors are all the rooms that describe the continuation of behaviors that produce more trauma within the betrayed partner. On the second floor we walked through the symptoms of a traumatized person. Especially the second floor of this phase is important for the three parts to know and understand: the betrayed partner, the betrayer and the professional working with them. With that, all parts know and understand that they are dealing with a person in trauma and not with some crazy partner or wife.
In the next blog we will go upstairs and walk through the rooms of the symptom progression phase. Looking forward to walk with you through those last rooms. See you then.
Gundolf