Welcome back to the last part of the three posts about the different types of trauma, caused by betrayal trauma. In the first part of those three posts I have introduced you to the concept of the 22 rooms. Each of those rooms holds different trauma shaping induced by the betrayal. They are placed in a house with the basement holding the secret sexual basement. The first floor holds the five rooms of the covert phase. The second floor the five rooms of the exposure phase. And the third floor the six symptoms of c-PTSD. In the first post I gave you an introduction and we walked through the first floor. In the second post we walked through the rooms of the second and third floor. In this post I will walk you through the rooms that are connected to the symptom progression phase of the betrayal.
Symptom Progression Phase
During this phase the betrayed partner has a clearer picture of the secret sexual basement and is trying to get some ground under her feet. She is reading a lot, listening to a lot of podcasts, researching whenever she has time. She really wants to understand what is going on and more important what has happened to her, her children and her relationship. At the same time the betrayer is starting to learn about himself, getting some first tools to get a hold on his acting out behavior and his addiction and also starting to understand the profoundness of the entitlement and the man box he was living in. He also starts to understand how the integrity abuse behavior has and still impacts his partner. Especially during the beginning of this phase the acting out often continuous and the integrity abuse behavior is very present. So the betrayed partner is continuously and constantly exposed to more trauma on top of the trauma she already has experienced. The continuation of the acting out and the integrity abuse behavior reminds her constantly of the betrayal and of her not being safe in the relationship.
The rooms on the fourth floor for the symptom progression phase are: (15) Symptom progression integrity abuse shaping, (16) Reality ego injuries and reconstruction, (20) Persistent negative relational patterns. Then there are the three rooms of trauma that impact our most sensitive psychological tissues: (17) Sexuality functions and symptoms, (18) Gender wounds and symptoms and (19) Physical body and medical intersections. Those tissues create the core of our identity. Let´s take a closer look at those rooms.
(15) Symptom progression integrity abuse shaping
After discovery and disclosure, the betrayer is starting to dive into his own healing process. At this moment often he has almost no tools to change his behavior. Let´s assume that he already has learned to manage is acting out and is no longer doing it. What is often more difficult to stop, because it has been learned so early in their lives, is the integrity abuse behavior. (I wrote about the learning of this kind of behavior in the post “let´s talk about the secret sexual basement”, so I will not go deeper into this here.) Whenever he shows this kind of behavior the betrayed partner is on the one side reminded of the trauma. As we talked about in the last post, she is hypervigilant and sees those kind of behaviors immediately and gets triggered by it.
On the other side this kind of behavior is abusive towards her, because the underlying message is not being honest, not being transparent and not making it safe for her. Saying that, she is traumatized over and over again. Which is very difficult for her healing process. The sooner the betrayer learns about his integrity abuse behavior and stops it, the sooner he can help his partner heal.
(20) Persistent negative relational patterns
Connected to the symptom progression integrity abuse shaping is the reality that there is huge difficulty to really connect with their partner. The betrayer continues harming the relationship with this kind of behavior. Again this is because the betrayer has not yet learned the tools to be honest and transparent within an intimate relationship. While he is learning those tools he continues to hurt the relationship and not being a safe person for the betrayed partner.
In this room are two momentums happening. The first is, the continuation of harming the relationship is a constant reminder for the betrayed partner to not feel safe with her partner. It also is a constant reminder for her of the betrayal. The second is, it is traumatizing for her to be in an abusive relationship. Because all integrity abuse behaviors are abusive. (I will talk about that in the next post.) The sooner the betrayer learns about this kind of behavior and stops it, the sooner the partner can heal and also the relationship.
(16) Reality ego injuries and reconstruction
Hopefully the betrayer comes clear during the disclosure and gives full access to the secret sexual basement and answers all the questions truthfully his partner had. That will give the betrayed partner the possibility to start building a new base to stand on. During this period the reality of the ego fragmentation and the ego injuries connected to it, are very present. Therefore, the betrayed partner will experience alterations in the construction of herself, in the perception of the relationship with her partner and in the perception and reality of the outside world.
The reconstruction of herself, of the relationship with her partner and of the new reality outside of her house in itself is a very difficult process. If this process is intervened with the continuation of acting out and/or integrity abuse behaviors the reconstruction process is interrupted and further trauma is induced. It is a very sensitive period for the betrayed partner. Because of the symptoms of her trauma she is very sensitive around his actions and words. And the reconstruction depends a lot on how he shows up and helps her or not. If he learns to vibe in the process and with her, it will be much smoother for her.
The next three rooms actually deserve an extra post, as they are very important in the construction of the core identity of ourselves. I will only explain those three rooms here in this moment with the depths they need to be understood and fit in in the understanding of the trauma that the betrayal produces in those rooms. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post those three tissues are the most sensitive in the construction of our core identity. They are interconnected and they are: (17) Sexuality functions and symptoms, (18) Gender wounds and symptoms and (19) Physical body and medical intersections.
(17) Sexuality functions and symptoms
The construction and maintenance of a secret sexual basement not only is a betrayal of some sort, it is directly connected to the intimate and sexual life of a couple. Therefore, the betrayal impacts directly the sexuality of the betrayed partner. The trauma in this rooms represents in the way that the betrayed partner can have an aversion against sexuality, she is shutting down everything that is connected to sexuality, she has intrusive thoughts around sexuality, in the moment of intending to be intimate the betrayal is often a huge part that she cannot forgot or pretend it never happened, anxieties around intimacy and sexuality as it is a place to be vulnerable. Those are the main themes you will find in this room.
The trauma of the betrayal in the area of sexuality is often very deep. Because the sexuality is an important part of our being human, of our life and of a relationship. If this area is covered with trauma it affects one of the core aspects of our personality. As you will see, the sexuality is directly connected to the physical body and the gender construction, it shakes the core of our identity.
(18) Gender wounds and symptoms
Our sexuality is directly connected to our internal construction of our gender. The betrayal not only affects and impacts the sexuality of the betrayed partner, it also affects and impacts the construction of her gender. Questions about not being good enough as a woman easily come up in the context of the betrayal. A lot of betrayed partners question themselves as woman on a very profound level.
As the sexuality is an important part of the construction of our core self, so is the construction of our gender identity. It is a core part of who we are. The betrayal shatters often this identity in its mark. Connected to the trauma in this specific area are a lot of deep questions about themselves. Questions that the betrayed partner would not be asking herself without the trauma.
(19) Physical body and medical intersections
The last dimension of the construction of our core identity is the body and the relationship we have with it. In general, a lot of woman have difficulties with their bodies. The image that the media and social networks are transmitting is not fitting the reality of the majority of the women. So they already have a negative bias around the relationship with their bodies.
Betrayal often hits them really hard. Sexuality and the body are directly connected. The reality of the betrayal for the betrayed partner is very connected to disturbing questions about their own body. “I am not attractive enough for my partner, so that is why he acted out”, thoughts like that are very common within the betrayed partner.
Those three tissues of our core identity are so interconnected that it is very difficult to describe the impact in one of those three tissues without touching and connecting it to the other two tissues. Trauma in any of those three tissues implement trauma in all three tissues and with that it implements trauma within the self, the core identity of the betrayed partner.
With that we are finishing the 22 trauma rooms. It is important to understand the deep traumatic impact betrayal has on the partner. Part of the healing process in one moment is to visit those 22 rooms, together and under the guidance of a trained professional. With those three blogs I really want to raise awareness about the traumatic impact for the betrayed partner. The sooner the betrayer learns about the integrity abuse behavior and the way he has to show up to his partner, the faster the healing for the betrayed partner can begin and continue. Understanding the deep impact represented within the 22 rooms is part of that learning and healing journey.
The next post is coming soon. See you then. Gundolf