To answer this question, we have to dive into understanding on how our nervous system works in terms of connection, safety and relationship. Let´s go back to a time when we human beings have been living in the prairie as nomads. We are walking and trying to find something to eat. And without nowhere a tiger, a lion or a puma is facing us. Any of those animals are stronger, faster and more aggressive then we are. Our chances to survive a possible attack of a hungry predator is almost 0. Let´s change the situation in the way that we are walking through the prairie with at least one other human being. A predator takes notice of us and is really hungry. But it realizes that there are two and they have some kind of weapons. It will think twice to attack us also it is very hungry. Our chances to survive raised with the fact that we are with another human being. And if we are smart and work as a team, we also can attack the predator and kill it and in that case we will have something to eat and with that we are the once that will survive.
Attachment as a survival Advantage
What does our nervous system has learned here? In the first place that we have more chances to survive when we are with at least one other human being. We have also learned, that if we know this person well enough there is a sense of safety coming with that person. We started to become a social being, that needs to connect with other human beings. Our brain changed over the hundreds of years since then in the way that we need to connect to survive. That starts in the moment when we are born. Our brain helps us with hormones (in the first place oxytocin) to build almost immediately a connection with our main caregiver, which normally is our mother. With the help of the hormones we create an attachment with our mother and a little later with our father. Attachment is key for our survival, because the people that we are attached to are normally the once that take care of us and that make it safe for us in this world. As a child we learn that our parents are there for us, they not only providing us with food, clothe and a home, they are also providing us with love and caring gestures. We really bond with them thanks to the hormones.
Attachment within an intimate relationship
During our childhood our brain creates a map for us on how to relate with people that are close to us. The things we learn in our early childhood are the blueprint for our future intimate relationships. So we learn to relate, connect and attach to another human being in the first years of our life. When we find our soul-mate, the person we want to spend the rest of our life with, create a family and grow old with. This person becomes a part of our attachment system. We add this person neurologically to the list of persons that are safe for us. We get to know this person and we get to know how this person responds in different situations, emotionally and physically. We create internally a map of this person and we mark on it the important things we need to know about this person. With this map we have the possibility to predict the behavior and the responses of that person. And predictability is what makes this person safe for us. If we can predict the behavior of a person we feel safe around that person. Because we know this person will not let us down, he or she will face the predator together with us and together we will survive.
To-Go-Person and Safety-Net
During our dating phase and the early years of building the intimate relationship with this person we get to know each other and we learn that we can trust this person because he or she is there for us. If something positive happens, we will share it with this person, if something bad happens to us, we will share it with this person, if we need to find a solution we will talk with this person about it and seek help and comfort. We GO TO this person with all of our daily experiences, good, bad, neutral, whatever it is, so this person becomes in our internal map, our to-go-person.
Over the time our nervous system understands, that this person is there for us. We learn that we can rely on this person on an everyday base. Walking the line of live is not always easy, it is scary and it is difficult to hold the balance and not fall of this line. If we fall we will hurt ourselves so we walk slowly and with little steps, to make sure that we are safe. To go back to the picture of the prairie: we walk slowly so that we can scan the environment and ensure that there is no hungry animal hiding between the bushes to jump on us when we do not expect it. Our partner comes into our life and we get to know each other and over time we learn that this person creates a safety-net underneath of our life line. We know that if we make a step that make us tip off the line, there is somebody that will catch us. Our partner will make it safer to live this life and to walk on that line. With our partner we actually can walk faster, as there are already four eyes to scan the environment. As we get to know each other better the partner becomes more and more predictable for us and with that safer. Our safety-net becomes stronger. Also because our partner gets to know us better and can make it safer for us.
Betrayal destroys all of it! In an instant!
What does betrayal do with all of the safety, the predictability, the relationship for the betrayed partner? To say it directly: it goes downhill in an instant. The moment we find out that our partner has betrayed us, we lose instantly the feeling of trust and safety. Why is that so? Because all the things we believed we know about the other person seems to be wrong. There is a whole world of actions in the life of the other person, that we did not know existed. If there is a whole world of activities that we did not know existed, how can we continue believing that we know this person and can predict his actions? We can not! When the predictability is gone, the safety is gone. It is that simple! And with those two things another thing is gone too: the trust. If our partner has the capacity to hold a secret around his sexuality (yes, the secret sexual basement!), what other secrets does he holds from me? I cannot trust this person anymore! All the things that has been built over the years have no longer a base to stand on.
The safety-net is cut loose!
To go back to the scenario in the prairie, we have lost in the blink of an eye the person that was standing next to us to face the predator. We are again by ourselves in front of the animal. We are no longer safe. And worst of all, we do not know if this person will attack the animal with us and in the most important moment will leave the situation and will hand us over to the predator. With the truth of the secret sexual basement coming to light, we lose in an instant our safety-net. We do not know any longer if this person that has the capacity to have a secret sexual life will catch us when we fall. We can no longer trust this person.
Our to-go-person is lost!
The same thing happens with the to-go-person. As we are no longer safe around this person we no longer trust this person and we lost the person we went to, to receive comfort and safety. There is a part within our nervous system that has inscribed this person into our attachment system. Our first movement when we are in pain is to go to this person but the moment we realize that it is the same person that betrayed us, we move away from him. So we will see us in a wave like movement, towards the person and in the same moment away from him. Our emotional world is upside down and we no longer know what is.
And the worst thing in this situation is, that most of the time the betrayed partner has to continue living with the betrayer because they cannot afford to leave. Emotionally they are not able to leave the betrayer, because they cannot believe that this really happened. So we are trapped in an emotional place. Without help and guidance from a professional that is trained in betrayal trauma it is very difficult to find solid ground again.
How does trauma come in here?
To answer that question, we first have to understand what is trauma? Let´s look at some definitions of trauma to understand what we are talking about.
The International Classification of Diseases (ICD), the manual of the UN, defines trauma the following way: Arises as a delayed or protracted response to a stressful event or situation (of either brief or long duration) of an exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.
The discovery or disclosure of the secret sexual basement is a very life threatening and stressful event for the betrayed partner. Our world really collapses within an instant and we do not know who we have in front of us, that once was the partner we thought we know.
The symptoms of trauma are the following:
- episodes of repeated reliving of the trauma in intrusive memories or “flashbacks”
- dreams or nightmares
- a sense of “numbness” and emotional blunting
- detachment from other people
- unresponsiveness to surroundings
- avoidance of activities and situations that reminds us of the trauma
- usually a state of autonomic hyperarousal (highly activated) with hypervigilance (very sensitive to stimuli of all kinds and they are very easily interpreted towards the betrayal and with that activating the trauma)
- enhanced startle reaction (a person with trauma is very jumpy)
- insomnia (sleeping problems)
- anxiety and depression
- we also can find suicidal ideas
If you look at those symptoms in a disconnected manner the person might seem like she is crazy. But if you put the symptoms together, you will easily understand and see that the person actually is in a deep trauma reaction. And that this person really is internally in a tremendous amount of pain which screams for help. A professional that is trained in betrayal trauma will identify the symptoms of a betrayed partner as what they are: trauma symptoms. If you are sitting in the room with a professional that will diagnose you as “crazy”, please get up and leave the room. Because you are not crazy! You are in trauma and your nervous system is fighting to survive a life threatening situation.
Trauma definition by Dr. Gabor Maté
I personally like the definition of trauma from Dr. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician that is well known for his expertise on trauma, addiction, stress and childhood development, and he defines trauma the following way: “Trauma is not the event that happens on the outside, it is the internal disconnection from the world as a reaction to the event. Trauma means in the first place a disconnection from one´s emotions and with that from one’s Self.”
What he is actually saying about trauma here is that it is a reaction of our nervous system to protect ourselves. The information we receive is so unbearable that our nervous system is going in a stage of shock to protect ourselves and it shuts everything down. If you go through the symptoms mentioned earlier, you can see that all of them to some degree help protect the nervous system. In the way of shutting down information or in the way of scanning the environment for more threatening information.
Why is betrayal producing trauma in the partner?
Let´s go back to our original question. I have talked earlier about attachment, safety, predictability, trust, to-go-person and safety-net and all of that plays an important role in the construction of a safe and functioning relationship. This relationship is built on the idea that both partners are honest and transparent with each other. The act of the betrayal corrupts this fundament immediately. While the betrayed partner finds out more details something else is going on that is even more destructive and traumatizing for the betrayed partner: the integrity abuse behavior that has taken place to cover up the secret sexual basement and continues to be present.
The impact for our nervous system is so shocking, that it feels like our life will end. And one of the parts of the definition of trauma describes this aspect clearly: an exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature as the base of a trauma reaction. The life changes from one moment to the next in the instant of discovery or disclosure in a most dramatic way. What once was clear and without doubt becomes uncertain and doubtful in an instant.
Our nervous system tries to find an answer or a response to the situation but it is so overwhelmed that it cannot find one. Therefore, our brain got stuck in the situation and goes back to it to find a solution and by doing so it got stuck in a loop. And without the help of a trained professional it is very difficult to find a way out of it.
In the next blog I will write about the different types of trauma a betrayed partner is exposed to during the betrayal, the discovery, the disclosure and the time following it. Till then, hang in there and take care
Gundolf